I’m a trainwreck. I knew it would happen and it did. I’m back in the states, knowing that God in His sovereignty has purposed for me to be here right now, and I’m trying with everything I have inside of me to adjust and be okay with it – but I can’t. I feel so completely useless and empty and so far from what’s real and what’s comfortable and what feels like home. I know that doesn’t make any sense at all, but the truth is, as I’m trying to write this, I’m sitting on a big rock next to a lake and sunset trying to feel anything but displaced and empty and alone and crying my eyes out because it isn’t working and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is the worst feeling.
And not to sound like a little angst-ridden teenager, but no one understands. Well, at least not the company I’m keeping at the moment. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to feel this way. Why can’t I just be thankful for the time the Lord gave me in Romania and for the shiny new exciting life about to begin in Minneapolis? Why can’t I just be content in where He has me right now? I think it was a mistake to leave the McGalla house. It’s been such a safe harbor for me. I just have this continual peace when I’m there. And when I’m sad, I just grab a kid and squeeze real tight.
My heart hurts. I want to go home. Wherever that is.
The sky just keeps growing more and more peach colored and vivid. And while I’m still convinced that Romania has the most beautiful sunsets in the world, I have to go and have a closer look. A little meditation on God’s creation could be good for me just now.