Within the next two weeks, I’m moving back to Pittsburgh, Lord willing.
Why? Because unless He tells me otherwise real quick, I’m fairly certain that’s His will for me for right now. I wish I could say I’m over the moon about it and I can’t wait to get back there and pick up where I left off. I think a lot of people expect me to have that attitude, but I don’t and I’m sorry. It was a very sudden revelation for me and I’m still reeling. Although the Lord has recently been opening my eyes to ways He’s been preparing me for this for some time now; gradually loosening and even breaking ties that would bind me here in Minneapolis, changing relationships, an otherwise inexplicable inability to find and nail down a job that will work for me, incapacitating my not-really-worth-fixing car (and thus making it impossible to pursue the job opportunities which have presented themselves), and so on.
I’ve spent the last three days grieving the loss of the life He’s calling me to leave behind in Minneapolis. All the friends, the family, small group, Sovereign Grace Fellowship, Bethlehem, all the things I’ve been hoping for, the promise of new and good things I could see here on the horizon, all the things and people I cherish here, the life I’ve worked so hard to build here. In some ways, it felt like leaving the Promised Land to go back to Egypt. My two best friends don’t even live there any more. I don’t even think there’s anyone my age at Grace – even more unlikely that any of them are single. And it sounds like my church home there is very different from the way I remember it. I spent my childhood and adolescence dreaming of the day I’d move away to someplace new and interesting and exciting and exotic. (Not that Minnesota is all that exotic – moreso than the ‘Burgh anyway.) Why would God take me back to the place He so miraculously brought me out of two years ago?
I was doubting Him. Doubting His goodness and mercy and steadfast love and kindness. As I’ve been contemplating getting Romans 8:28 tattooed on my wrist – I’ve been doubting the faithfulness of the Almighty God who promised it in the first place. And perhaps being just a little over-dramatic, which really isn’t all that out of character for me. It’s not like there aren’t lots of good friends and family who love me there, waiting to receive me with smiling faces and open arms.
This isn’t El Shaddai telling the Israelites to leave the land of milk and honey to go back through the wilderness for another forty years just to go back to the land He sent the ten plagues and parted the Red Sea and destroyed the Egyptian army to deliver them out of. He would never do that. It’s more like Elijah by the brook Cherith. When it dried up – gracious, kind, loving, and almighty Jehovah Jireh sent him to Zarephath, where He was planning to provide even more miraculously for not only Elijah, but for the widow who would take him in there.
For me, the Ravenbrook has dried up. But that doesn’t mean the goodness of the Lord has. In fact, it’s just the opposite.
“You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” – Psalm 23:5b-6
“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; YOU hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” – Psalm 16:5-11
I guess now I’ll just have one more home to be sick for. He’ll give me grace for that too. Thank you, Jesus.