First off – apologies for the single facetedness of this blog lately. I have been crazy busy, but believe me when I say I have about a million posts in the works. Recipes, a beauty favorites video, even a charming list of ambitions to pursue before I turn 30 next year. So sorry! They are all coming.
Now. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
YOU GUYS. I did it. I FINALLY made it out of the stupid 3 lb holiday rut.
It was the hardest 3 lbs I’ve ever lost. Why? Because of all the negative self-talk and fat shaming that I am constantly subjecting myself to. And I do mean constantly.
It’s like there’s one cassette perpetually stuck in the tape deck in my head. It tells me all sorts of ugly things.
25 lbs is hardly a drop in the bucket when you have almost 90 to lose.
Your clothes might be smaller, but you’re still fat.
People only tell you that you look nice because they feel sorry for you.
And the one that’s really had me stuck lately?
That weight loss doesn’t really count. You’re still not back to where you were before the holidays. You’re not really making progress. Quit fooling yourself.
Are you sensing a theme here?
It’s not enough. You’re not enough. It will never be enough. You will never be enough.
I don’t like getting up on a soapbox, but for the sake of my own sanity, I’m going to. Right now.
These are lies. Granted, these are lies I’ve been hearing my whole life long and not just from myself. Even from some of the people I’ve loved most. There are still people in my life who unapologetically remind me of these things. And when I chose to believe them, I do myself immeasurable harm.
Because it’s just not true. And I’m going to argue from the lesser to the greater and prove to myself that it isn’t.
- It is enough. All of my fighting, all of hard choices, all of my tracking, all my progress, all of that time on the treadmill, elliptical, bikes, and weight machines– they were not in vain. It might not be enough for others, I might not be living up to someone else’s standards– but I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for me. And I have made leaps and bounds of progress in physical activity this year. Whether or not the scale always reflects that, I know that I am healthier and stronger now than I was before. And that is enough for me.
- It is enough. Sure, 25 lbs is not 90. It’s not even halfway to 90. But it’s more than 1/4 of the way to 90. And it is progress that I worked hard for. It is worth celebrating. Even if I already celebrated it a couple months ago when I earned it the first time. Nobody did it for me. By the grace of God and with his help, I did it. We did it together. I am thankful. And I am not stopping just because I’m not even close to done yet. (What kind of stupid, backwards logic is that anyway, brain?!)
- I. am. enough. Not because I’m so great or because there’s some intangible, intrinsic quality or character trait in me that makes me so– but because of Christ. He calls me daughter. He calls me beloved. He calls me accepted. And He doesn’t do anything of these things blindly. He does them knowing me fully – just as I am. He knows my flaws and failures more intimately than anyone, even more than I do. No one else’s opinion of me matters but His. Not even my own. If it’s enough for Him, it’s enough for me. Who am I to think I know better than the creator of the whole world and everything in it?!
- He is enough. I don’t need to earn His acceptance or anyone else’s. I have goals and I’m working toward them and I want to take care of my body and be healthy and those are all good and important things – but they’re not the most important things. He is. Because I know that even if I do this, even if I work hard and meet all the goals I’ve set for myself – it won’t be enough. It won’t ultimately satisfy. It won’t bring fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. Only He can do that. And I don’t need to put myself, my opinion, my fitness, my diet, my body, or anything else on the throne of my heart and worship them and believe they will ultimately make me happy. They won’t. I know this. Only Him. Only Jesus. He is enough for me.
Ok. Whew. Now that I’ve sufficiently preached myself into tears, let’s move into the lighter stuff. (Segues are clearly not my gift.)
The Numbers: Down! Finally! Goodbye you stubborn, miserable little 3 lbs. I hope I never see your stupid face again. (Especially that last 0.2 – you suck most of all.) And not only that – I lost two weeks in a row and shark week (and pre-shark week) happened in between. WHAAAAAT is this?! I guess all my gym-rattery is paying off.
Non-Scale Victories: I started doing yoga again this week. (It’s a 30 day thing on YouTube.) And while it’s frustrating because I’m not physically capable now of what I was before I stopped, I’m not at square one either. Aaaand I started doing some weight training. I have more energy and excitement and joie de vivre right now than I have ever felt before during the winter. And it’s February – which is the absolute worst in MN. Obviously, this is a gift. But I also feel like a lot of it has to do with the dramatic changes that have been happening in my life. More water, more exercise, healthier choices – turns out the doctors aren’t lying when they say these things make an impact on emotional wellbeing. Huh!
This Week’s Goal: Continue 30 day yoga camp.