WIW: Week 44

Sigh. You know, I’m really kind of mad at Weight Watchers right now. I’m mad at SmartPoints. I had a good thing going. I was on a roll. And then they switched the program on me IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Jerks. Ruined everything.

I know, they didn’t force me to go totally off the rails for all those months. They certainly didn’t help. I could have kept doing the old program. But they told me not to and I drank the Kool Aid. I should have known better.

Now that I’m back on PointsPlus, I’m still in this season of adjusting. It doesn’t help that the app I’m using isn’t without fault. But at least it’s a familiar program.

What I love most about PointsPlus is that it’s a grace filled program. I punish myself enough for diverging from the path of healthy eating. I don’t need my diet plan to punish me too. I feel like by making the points so outrageously high for anything even remotely indulgent, they’ve actually built shame into the plan.

For example– on PointsPlus, one piece of basic chocolate cake with frosting is 14 points. Out of roughly 30 daily points (depending on your current weight, age, gender, and goal)– it’s a steep price to pay, but it gets the point across. “Hey, you can have this, but it’s gonna cost you. Do you really want it?” On SmartPoints? TWENTY FIVE POINTS!! Twenty five!!! Almost all of my daily points would be gone in one sitting! You know what message that sends me? “Hey fatty– you’re disgusting. You just ate an entire day’s worth of food in one sitting. Now your only choice is to accept defeat and continue binge eating your way into your shame spiral OR eat nothing but carrots for the rest of the day.” Geez. No wonder I was starving.

Here’s the thing– people like me, people who need to pay Weight Watchers $20-80/month to help them lose weight are not people who are super good at self-control, self-denial, and moderation when it comes to food. Can they grow and change in those ways in their journey? ABSOLUTELY! But they’re not going to get there by a third party forcing deprivation or making them feel terrible about themselves.

Shame and deprivation are not things I have room for in my life.

I am trying to learn moderation.

I am trying to learn to be kind and gracious to myself.

I am trying to stop the negative self-talk.

I am trying to let food be food and stop associating it with shame and reward.

So even though the scale is up this week– ahem. I may have gone a little overboard with my newfound freedom– I don’t really care. Because I am back on a plan that I know actually works for me. And I mean that in both ways– for me, personally, and also not against me.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends!

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The Numbers: Up. Not by much. Moving on.

Non-Scale Victories: The scale went up– I didn’t shame spiral. I went on a sugar & salt binge this week– didn’t shame spiral. I accept this week as part of the learning process and a necessary milestone in the midst of transition. Do you see how there’s no shame spiraling happening here? N.S.V.

This Week’s Goal: Water water water! Drink all the water!